The Long Bag We Drag Behind Us

Behind us we have an invisible bag, and the part of us our parents don’t like, we, to keep our parent’s love, put in the bag… Then we do a lot of bag stuffing in high school… We spend our life until we’re twenty deciding what parts of ourselves to put into the bag, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to get them out again… ~ Robert Bly

I read this quote from Robert Bly’s book, “The Long Bag We Drag Behind Us” in “Enjoying the Gift of Being Uncommon: Extra Intelligent, Intense, and Effective” by Willem Kuipers. Kuipers’ book is incredible and I highly recommend reading it, especially if you are an extra intelligent or extra intense person who usually sees all the negatives of that and none of the positives, but maybe I will tell you about that book another day. Today I just wanted to share this quote and encourage you all not to get overwhelmed at all the things in the bag. Pick one thing. Work on it.

“Have you hears of tiny Melinda Mae? Who ate a monstrous whale… And in eighty-nine year she ate that whale because she said she would.” -Shel Silverstein

I would quote you more of this favorite childhood poem, but I don’t know all the ins and outs of copyright law, so I will leave the copyright infringement to others. But look it up, it’s easy to find the whole poem online.

This post contains an affiliate link. I wouldn’t link if I didn’t really like it, otherwise I would be shooting myself in the foot. If you like what I write about please consider helping me write more by purchasing through this link. Everyone has to eat, right?

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Getting Things Done/ The Trouble with Perfectionism

I am a recovering perfectionist. This is me with no makeup and my crazy hair, that will never do anything I want, just as I am right now sitting in this chair writing.

IMG_0634As I sit here, I have 22 post drafts I have not published because they need to be edited more. This may be true. They may really need some editing because I have a tendency to restate things several times in slightly different ways. To me, this is coloring in fine shades of the picture, but to most this is rambling and not getting to the point. I write and re-write trying to say things the perfect, most concise and impactful way, but when have I arrived? And when am I just stalling because perhaps I am a bit afraid to put my thoughts out there for the world to read? In my head I hear pretty much everyone I have ever known’s perspective and reaction to my writing as I write it, and I feel the need to respond to all of these comments before anyone makes them. But this is the internet, you probably didn’t come to this blog looking got read a thesis.

So, from now on I am putting it out there. I have things to say and they are not doing anyone any good sitting on my computer where no one can read them or react to them. I will not answer all objections upfront and qualify everything. So please bear with my a little if I get a bit redundant, and feel free to use the comments to pick on my spelling, grammar, ideas or my hair…

The 3 Big Threats to Women in STEM are Wrong

STEM Women
STEM Women

As a woman inclined toward math and science who probably should have pursued a related career, I find myself perpetually compelled to read articles on the problem of women in STEM careers or the gender gap. However, every time I read another article I am aggravated at encountering the same dumb reasons for the problem. Today it was this article in Scientific American Mind: “Women on the Verge: The Perks of Being a Female Scientist.” Here are their “Big Three Threats” to women in STEM:

  1. The Math Myth
  2. Stereotype Threat
  3. Implicit Bias

Their point was that overcoming adversity and stereotypes makes people more creative thinkers, which is beneficial to women scientists. All over the internet and in gender gap research these three challenges are touted as the major players responsible for the decline in female interest in STEM as girls get older. Here is the part where I sound totally unsympathetic to the plight of women in STEM. (If what I am about to say offends you, please hang on and read the next paragraph before you write me off completely.) Boo Hoo Hoo! Let’s cry about it! Someone doesn’t believe in me! Women, come on! Getting behind all these studies that say these are the reasons we don’t enter STEM fields makes us look like weak little princesses who need to eat off silver platters and can’t handle at little adversity because we might break a nail. Now, I am willing to bet, if you are a STEM inclined girl/woman, this probably does not describe you well at all. So let’s stop letting people describe us that way. It makes me mad, how about you? We need to talk more about the real struggle – the hardest one for us to overcome. The one that really knocks us out of the ring.

For those I might have offered in the previous paragraph, here is the part where I sound more reasonable. These “big three” offenders are real, and they do have an impact on us. They make STEM careers for women and uphill battle, to be sure. We face many challenges that males do not necessarily face. For young girls, paying attention to these factors in critical. “Train up a child in the way (s)he should go, even when (s)he is old (s)he will not depart from it.” All children are like soft clay, they will take the form you give them. This can be changed once the clay is hardened, but only by smashing the piece to dust, reconstituting it, then reforming it. Or if you take the analogy of a tree, bent when it is young, it simply cannot, when it is old, be made to change course. So, yes, world, please work on making life more fair.

However, if these popular reasons are not what really keep women out of STEM fields, what is? Hold on to your seats. I am really going to shock you here. The reason there are so few women in STEM careers is because we are women? We have uteri and breasts. That means biology has decreed we are the ones designed to carry the young of our species around in our bodies, give birth, then nurse and care for them until they are weaned. This takes an extended period of time and a lot out of us. This is the strict biology of the situation; a biological imperative. That means this is what we are hard wired to do.

Now in the world of humans, what we actually do with respect to feeding, weaning and care of young children after they are born varies for as many reasons as there are women and I intend no judgment to working or formula feeding mothers by what I said above. I am simply highlighting that we are the ones most naturally equipped to raise the young of our species, and we have in innate desire to do so.

This is the one hurdle many women cannot overcome, because it is not about strength of character, it is about a heart wrenching choice between two loves. Many women choose between pursuing a career in a field they love or having children, or they must choose between investing less than 100% of their time in that career or in their children. They face the unfortunate reality of the finitude of a lifetime and no matter what choice they make, they will likely feel guilty about whichever work they have left undone and sadness over whichever love they have neglected. From the first time a girl is asked what she wants to be when she grows up she is forced to started weighing careers against motherhood and determining their compatibility and which she wants more. It is at this point the “big three” enter the ring and start throwing their weight around.

So what can be done?

For some, maybe nothing. They cannot be enticed into STEM careers. The biological imperative wins, and as mothers they will likely share their love of math and science with their children, hoping to inspire them.

For others, employers can make a difference. They can stop equating part-time with half-a$$ed. They should recognize that women bring a valuable alternative perspective to problems, and do anything they can to make hours and locations more flexible. They need to see these women as just as serious about their work as their male counterparts. Having so little time to spread around to all they love, they are more motivated to make excellent use of every second. The more employers make it possible for women to work in STEM fields and raise their children at the same time, the more you will see women go into STEM despite the ‘big three”.

Women working in these fields now and missing your kids or feeling guilty over the time you are away from them, you are the ones in the best position to fight to make your life better and open the way for girls after you.

Men with children, how many survive on pictures of your kids texted by your wife during the day? You get ready and leave for work when they get up, and come home tired when they are almost ready for bed. How much of their childhood has slipped away? How many special events have you missed because your work is not flexible? Many of you are in the best positions to advocate for family friendly, flexible work environments. Fight to give your daughters their Daddies back and pave the way for them to show the world how brilliant they are.